Finding someone to date is not that hard. It is actually rather easy.
Some people (women especially) suffer from what I call the "knight on a white horse" syndrome. This is the false belief that they can live with all sorts of emotional barriers, making no effort, and that one day a knight will ride up on his white horse and whisk them away to a life of happiness.
That's not how it happens. Why would you want that, anyway? That knight never got to know you. He totally just sees you as an object. And face it: You see him as an object, too.
Actually, statistics show that women initiate the first contact of flirtation more than men. The knight shows up because the woman already gave the green light.
But that's okay, because I'm here to tell you the hidden mysteries of the universe. Here's the major, big-time secret--you may want to sit down and take a deep breath, because this is the big one:
Just freaking talk to people.
You don't have to do any kind of outrageous acts, or take monumental risks to ask someone out point blank--those are fine things to do, but it doesn't have to be that extreme. Just go where people are in an environment where you are likely to actually mix with them. Being a passive participant in a classroom or church puts you around many people but there is no mixing. Just talk to folks: How are you? What brings you here? I notice you have a book that I read... Smile often. It does not have to be a flirtatious, "come get me" smile... just a friendly smile. Show an interest in them and share some bit of yourself.
Don't even think about dating, just think about talking to people. At some point, yes, there will be a time to move forward and take the risk of showing more of an interest. But there is plenty of time beforehand to just be friendly and see if chemistry develops. Start talking in the buffet line or see if someone is standing around aimless at a conference. Seek out opportunities to study with folks and go out to eat with coworkers even if you don't feel like spending the money.
Dating won't come without effort on your part--bottom line. Sorry, you're just gonna have to get out of your comfort zone. For some people that is hard and for others it is excruciating, but one way or another you gotta do it. You will have to step away from your group of girls or guys--they keep you safe, but they also keep you single. But it does not have to be outrageously difficult, either. Just start with being friendly and in a short while you'll have a bounty of folks you are mixing with regularly and chemistry is bound to develop.
Join special interest groups. There you will find people interested in the same things you're interested in... Then you've killed two birds with one stone: you've conquered the "what do we talk about?" dilemma and you know that he/she's intersted in at least one thing you are. Now, you have something to do for a first date! (Whcih doesnt have to be a date, it can be more of "two people getting together to do something they like to do.")
ReplyDeleteWorks for me with my bike club. I never joined a ski club, but I thought about it. I've found there's clubs and organizations out there for everything you may be interested in... (book clubs, hiking clubs, church groups, etc.).
Best thing is, the special interest group is a great forum for your social life in general! (Cuz, really, we all kind of get annoyed at the guys who join the bike club and announce on our yahoo group that they are looking to find a girl who likes to ride... We actually had a guy do that once and it really annoyed the girls because while we know we're scouting for guys, we also joined the club to not be hit on brutely like in a bar... and, anyway, it's just like you said, you have to be casual and talk... you dont just join the club and never go on a ride, and then announce on the email list, as though we are match.com, that you're looking for a chick to ride on the towpath with...)
Okay, I'll stop venting. That guy was dealt with! =)
Match.com and eharmony.com -- these things suck. I found that there's too much pressure meeting someone under the pretense that they could be a potential date. It's easier to just be somewhere and talk to people like yourself without all that pressure. Besides, I think it's more romantic of a story to tell people years later that you met at party across a foosball table (as I met my husband) than "we met on eharmony.com."
ReplyDeleteHope it works for you :-)
ReplyDeleteI think this is sound advice. It may be hard if you are not in an environment with many people. That is my next task-- to be a part of groups or classes to mix with others. I have been isolated some and that has limited my options.
ReplyDeleteI think you are speaking to increasing energy and connections and dating is a natural consequence to that....
Erin, you should do really well on the social circuit. ;) You seem to have no problem at all just jumping into conversation with people! ;) I need your smooth skills.
ReplyDeleteThis post is not intended for Erin. Erin can walk up to a total stranger and ask him (or her?) out on a date, if she were so inclinded. No, this post is for all the shy people who feel that dating is an almost impossible mountain to climb, a goal that is almost too lofty to achieve.
ReplyDeleteI'm here to say that it is possible, and I am speaking from experience because I have also wrestled with toxic shyness.
As Erin so succinctly put it, dating is really a "natural consequence" of just getting out there and making meaningful contact with people. As she said, keep your energy up. Social skills are like any muscle. The more you use them, the better they are. So it is absolutely critical for shy people to have regular social interaction to keep their skills sharp so that when the nervousness kicks in some of this momentum can carry you.
The method I am proposing is slightly passive when you compare it to just boldly asking somebody out, but it is maybe more real.
And all you shy people: Get rid of your "don't hit on me vibe." If people aren't asking you out, it is not becuase there is anything wrong with you, it is probably because you are pushing people away, maybe without even realizing it.
MarsGirl,
ReplyDeleteI am also a big supporter of getting involved in activities. In some ways, dating is a matter of logistics... if you want to find a Roman, your best bet is going to Rome. I have met so many wonderful people while volunteering or participating in various groups in the church, sports, hiking, whatever.
I can go to a bar every day and barely meet anyone over an entire year. I can start voluntering and meet some people right away. You just gotta find the right environment that is condusive to your personality style. It helps to think back to the times in your life when you met your closest friends and significant others, and try to put yourself into those kinds of situations again. Maybe you can't go back to school again and live in the dorms, but you can think about what made that environment good for you--maybe you need a housemate or to go on trips with people or join clubs, or just find places where people hang out.
I'm not trying to make it sound too mechanical, because logistics can only take you so far, but if you work alone and go home alone at night, it should be no surprise if you are single.
Ooooh.... I have been accused of having my "don't hit on my shields up" before... And the thing was, I wanted to be hit on... But when it happened, I totally gave the cold shoulder. I believe that qualifies as shyness. I do have a problem with that. So I feel qualified to give advice. It's just the people who know me dont think I'm shy, but that's because they forgot how I was once they get to know me and I blab like crazy.
ReplyDeleteWhat we shy people need to remember is that no one is judging you as much as you think they are... (at least, fear of what people think of me is what keeps me shy in certain situations).
Yeah, MG, it was actually painful when I realized that shyness is actually a form of narcicism. A shy person thinks that the whole world revolves around them. Well, fear will do that to you. In some ways, that was hard to realize because shyness is hard enough without realizing one is narcicistic, too!
ReplyDeleteBut in some ways it was very freeing--your biggest social blunder is probably barely noticed by most strangers and only remembered by your closest friends who like to bring it up at the most inopportune times in the future! :) Sometimes it helps to say, "in 100 years, will anybody care if I boldly ask this person out and make a total fool of myself?" Heck, 5 minutes after it is over it is mostly forgotten, regardless of the consequences!
I'm not trying to beat up on shy people here, since I am one myself. It is hard NOT to think of oneself when you are afraid. If someone is holding a gun to your head, it is hard to think of starving children in Africa--you are going to be thinking about yourself and your own safety! When you have fear you are living in that state of emergency all the time.
ReplyDeleteBut I realized it is such a drag to be living my life worrying about myself so much and not being available to just be present to others because I'm so consumed with my own worries, which is just a way of being consumed with myself.