Rolling With It

I used to hang on the opinions of others. A good compliment would fill me with sunshine. A bad one could send me spiraling. When I would create music, cook a meal, or write an essay, I'd be anxiously waiting for a reply. It was all I could do not to hover over people as they were eating my latest meal and act disinterested when I was carefully examining their every expression. They could feel the pressure, despite my best attempts to disguise it. I really wanted it to be well-liked and well-received. However, (despite reports to the contrary), I could handle a negative response--the non-responses were by far the worst. I just couldn't stand not knowing.

In poverty they call it the "tyranny of the moment". In other words, what is happening right now immediately rules you. My whole being rides on what someone else says about this one thing right now--until the next thing comes along. I guess this is a form of emotional poverty.

It is probably still premature to think that I'm totally beyond this, but I've come a long way.

I've just realized that there is a bigger world out there.

I have cooked meals that would make you want to do nothing more than run to the top of the nearest mountain and proclaim it to the world (please enjoy my modesty). However, when I would cook for Erin and her 3 little kids, it was almost guaranteed that somebody was going to tell me just a little too eagerly: "I don't like it!", no matter how good I thought it was. At first, that was hard to take, until I realized how profoundly liberating that was.

I've written blog postings and other essays that reflected some of my most heartfelt feelings and beliefs, written with every ounce of passion I had. Yet, I've had some of my closest friends absolutely unimpacted. I could almost fall apart in the wake of their ambivalence.

But I've learned to hang in there. A little while later (but still very much right on time), someone would email me or drop a comment that shows they get what I was getting at. They might have even liked it.

A few facts

I've learned that when you send something out into the universe, there are a few things that are virtually guaranteed:

1. Somebody is not going to like it.

2. Somebody is going to like it.

3. Some are not going to have strong feelings one way or another.

That sounds unbelievably simple to the point of being simple-minded, but its wholly profound to me.

Its not unusual when people have a range of responses--it is absolutely the most normal thing in the world!

It really helped me to see the pattern to it all. Cooking meal after meal, day after day, for Erin and her kids really showed me something. The criticism was inevitable but so was the praise. I learned to trust that those response are out there, and learned to then focus my self-image on my opinion, not the opions of others. I'm not bound by a particular response, anymore, which means I can love their freedom to say and do what they want now more than ever. I can wait to let responses bubble up over time, and if people chose not to say something I am more okay with that than ever, because I know the good, the bad and the ambivalent opinions are out there. I trust that. You can't please everyone, so there is a freedom to make the art that you want to make (and have some cheese pizza as back-up).

I've learned to roll with it. A negative comment today? Okay, fine. I'll wait till tomorrow: A positive comment! The next day . . . ?

You never know what someone else is going through. For all I know, someone is congratulating me with false praise out of a sense of loyalty. Some are maybe blowing me off due to their own jealousy or perhaps I offended them or challenged them somehow. It might be their way of slowing me down.

And kids are just kids and need to individuate themselves by telling you how much they don't like what you do for them (right to your face). In fact, I scared one of Erin's kids when I "caught" him complimenting one of my dinners to his sister. I asked him to repeat what he said. He was clearly uncomfortable! The outrage--the sacred pact among kids has been violated--adults are not supposed to find out you like something!

Legendary Responses

Even legends in their field face this. Many love the Beatles and affirm their genius. Many think they are okay but overrated. Some couldn't give a rat's ass about them. Its just to be expected, and there's no way around this. We have a wonderful and diverse human race, and no two people are going to see eye-to-eye on everything or even anything. If the Beatles could elicit these kinds of reactions, why should I expect anything different?

I've read a lot of biographies of legendary musicians. To a person, each one of them has faced catastrophic rejection early in their careers. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find an example of someone truly legendary who did not get rejection at a potentially critical juncture. Toby Keith brought in "I Should Have Been A Cowboy to one of his early auditions. He was practically laughed out of the room. That song holds the title of the "Most Played Country Song on the radio in the 1990's". This is not an exception. Numerous legends have tanked in their first efforts, and often it had nothing to do with quality of the art. Musicians often speak with a prophetic voice and introduce something new, and the audience needs time to absorb it. You need the person who is receiving your art to have vision for where it can go, as well.

To all artists out there

Don't be surprised when someone really important in your chosen field doesn't like what you do. It is practically guaranteed. Their opinion will want to make you run home with your tail between your legs never to come out again. Don't fall for that. It is absolutely to be expected.

It is important to take constructive criticism--don't let the message of this post obscure that fact and convince you to ignore everyone else's opinion. Just don't let your entire mission for your art or mood depend on the response of one person. If you believe in yourself and your art, why would you let someone else control your entire life's work by giving up in the wake of one bad review?

Its like the weather in Cleveland: If you don't like it, just wait a few minutes. Someone else will come along (probably sooner than you think) to give a completely different view. You can almost time your watch to it. I have learned to enjoy it, the good the bad and the indifferent. I can now love the responses of every person since I am no longer dependent on them. I take joy in the wide array of reactions people have, since they no longer threaten to shake me to my core. Its so liberating that someone can tell me "this sucks!" and I can laugh along with them and appreciate the dialogue rather than crawling into my shell over it.

Grace and Freedom

I often get really stressed trying to please others, and often don't share important parts of myself for fear of rejection. But its absolutely unrealistic to think that what you create is not going to get rejected by somebody, someplace. Nevertheless, if I really believe in something I've created, there will be others who share that opinion. But no group of people is ever 100% convinced of anything--it would be a boring human race if that were so!

Besides, it is rare for me to like something the first time I experience it. Take music, for example. Good songs need time for the roots to dig deep. The music that I do like initially is often music I don't care for in the long run.

I think this is what theologians mean when they talk about the marriage of grace (inspiration) and free will. The grace to create, and the freedom to appreciate that gift in your own way (or not), and to love them and love their freedom through it all!